The Adventures of Reaction Man: Episode III

Reaction Man Defeats the Diabolical Designs of Diaper-Face

In their dens at home, Justice Bob Baddecision of the Ontario Inferior Court and Don Alfredo Fettucine of the Fettucine Crime Syndicate turned on their computers and opened a popular teleconferencing app. They had been told to be ready at 6:66 pm for a very important online meeting. They had been given special clocks for the purpose, as regular clocks don’t register a 6:66.

 At that precise moment a burst of flame appeared on their screens which began to emit a smell of sulfur into the air. The flame coalesced into the image of a man with a goatee and ponytail, and the stumps of horns on his forehead. 

“Hi Lucy” they exclaimed. 

 “Greetings my closest friends” said Lucifer, or Lucy, as the gender-confused devil preferred to be called. “I have called this very important meeting tonight to introduce you to my latest scheme.” (1)

 Lucy rubbed his hands together and began to cackle. 

 “As you are aware, some of my recent plans have suffered unfortunate setbacks. Four years ago, my favourite daughter from the Sisters of the Night coven was set to take control of the most powerful army on the face of the earth, and launch the Battle of Armageddon. My plan was foiled, however, by the rise of Donald the Orange, who has been doing the exact opposite of what I wanted, reducing his country’s military presence around the globe, putting out the fires of ethnic conflict that I have been stoking for over a century in both the Balkans and the Middle East, and even going to North Korea to negotiate peace with Kim. I have since unleashed my mutant-demon squad on Donald the Orange in the hopes of getting revenge.” (2) 

“More recently, working through my faithful minions, the Woke Millennial and his Aunty Fa, I unleashed an army of Marxist zombies on the campus of Aberhart Manning University in Brown Moose, Alberta. My scheme went awry, however, due to the interloping of that annoying superhero, Reaction Man.” (3) 

“This time, however, my plot is foolproof. Allow me to introduce you to my new minion Diaper-Face.”

Lucy stepped aside and a new face filled the screen. Or rather, what would have been a face, if a large diaper were not permanently obscuring most of it, leaving only the eyes visible. Diaper-Face said something, but neither Justice Baddecision nor Don Fettuccine could make out what it was due to the combination of his accent and his voice being muffled by the diaper. 

“Ummmm” they both said. 

 “My apologies”, Lucy said, stepping back into the screen. “What Diaper-Face was trying to say was ‘hello’”. 

The judge and the mafia boss both greeted Diaper-Face in return. 

“Diaper-Face used to be a research scientist in a virology lab in China”, Lucy said. “He was performing an experiment one day when an accident occurred and every virus in the lab escaped and infected him simultaneously. He instantly came down with the biggest attack of the sneezes the world has ever seen. You could even call it a sneeze seizure. He left the lab, intending to go to the nearest hospital, but the sneezing attack disoriented him. He ended up going into the glue factory next door instead and let out a particularly violent sneeze that knocked over a vial of the stickiest, most permanent, adhesive ever invented by man, which spilled onto his face. Not knowing what it was, he grabbed a diaper that was for some reason sitting there, and tried to wipe his face off. Instead, the diaper became permanently attached. The experience has driven him mad. He now has no desire except to see the entire world in the same predicament, with diapers permanently attached to everyone else’s face. He called upon me, and I granted him powers in exchange for his soul. With the combination of the powers I have given him, and his own in-depth understanding of virology, it should be a cinch for him to frighten the world into forcing everyone to wear diapers on their faces. The diapers will be specially consecrated in a Black Mass ceremony so that everyone who wears them will be pledging their loyalty to me.” 

“Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha” 

“Diaper-Face is my greatest creation yet! He truly is my left hand.” 

“Don’t you mean right hand?” Don Alfredo asked. 

“No, Steve Earle’s mama was right when she told him back in the General Store that that is the pistol.”

“Left hand sounds funny” said Justice Baddecision. 

“Just think of what people used to use their left hand for”, Lucy said. “Through Diaper-Face, that is what I intend to do to the world.” 

Unbeknownst to Lucy and his colleagues, their conversation had been intercepted and recorded, and the recording transmitted to an obscure monastery in the Carpathian Mountains. 

A short time thereafter, Lucy unleashed Diaper-Face. Through the combination of his expertise in virology and the powers the devil had given him in exchange for his soul, he had created two viruses. One of these he called the Viral Bogeyman, although the world was soon to know it by a different name. It produced a respiratory disease that was severe-to-fatal among a small minority, although most infected experienced only mild symptoms. It was the other virus that was the more deadly of the two, for it infected the mind rather than the body, causing people to perceive the first virus as being something other than it was, something on the same level as the Black Death or worse. This virus spread around the globe much more quickly than the first, and infected a lot more people. The symptoms of the infected were that they curled up in the fetal position, sucking their thumbs, and calling upon their government to take away all of their neighbours’ rights and freedoms while they waited for Big Pharma to produce a magic needle that would save them from the Viral Bogeyman. While they waited for the magic needle, they put their trust in a magic diaper, wearing it all times and in all places, even when sitting alone in their own cars, to ward off the Viral Bogeyman. 

Those who were fortunate enough not to be infected by Diaper-Face’s mind virus, looked around in dismay and astonishment, at the foolishness of all those around them who were. Among these were the Right Reverend John Keble Waterland, Bishop of Paleo-Middlesex and his good friend “Eddy” Johnson. Bishop Waterland and Eddy would have tea about once a week, and these days much of the conversation revolved around the craziness of everyone around him. Bishop Waterland would shake his head as he recounted the latest silliness of the Right Reverend Barty Battyblabber, Bishop of the neighbouring diocese of Neo-Soho. Most recently, Bishop Barty had taken to wearing no less than ten magic diapers on his face at any given time. (4) 

“He looks absolutely ridiculous”, Bishop Waterland told Eddy, “but he says that he would rather be safe than sorry. At least I think that is what he was saying. It is almost impossible to make out a word he says under all those layers.” 

The phone rang, and Bishop Waterland answered it. 

“Hello? Oh, alve-say Brother Whippet. I think this is the first time we have spoken since you returned to Romania. How are things over there? Why yes, as a matter of fact he is here.” 

Bishop Waterland handed the phone over to Eddy. 

Eddy took the phone and was soon in intense conversation with the member of the ancient and sacred Order of St. Michael of Marshmallow who had come to Canada and knighted him after he had received the power to turn back the clock on the anniversary of the Reaction of Thermidor, turning him into Reaction Man. It had been Brother Whippet’s superior, Brother Moonpie, who had received the transmission of the recording of Lucy’s conversation. (5) The Marshmallow Monks, having put together what had happened, urged Eddy to find Diaper-Face and defeat him. 

Eddy, after he had finished talking with Brother Whippet, handed the phone back to Bishop Waterland, explained the situation, for the Bishop knew his secret, then changed into his Reaction Man costume and set out to track down Diaper-Face. 

Reaction Man found Diaper-Face standing on a high balcony, surveying the streets below where every visible person was wearing a diaper on his face. Diaper Face was laughing and gloating over his success. 

“I’ve found you at last, Diaper-Face” said Reaction Man. “It is time to set all these people free from the bondage they are under due to the spell of your evil mind virus.” 

 In response Diaper-Face said “Good luck with that, Reaction Man. You can never defeat Lucy and me. All the people of the world will be living in slavery to the irrational fear that my mind virus has planted in their rotting brains for the rest of their lives.” 

Of course, since he said all of this in Chinese and from behind his glued-on diaper, Eddy couldn’t make out a word of that. 

“What did you say?” 

 Diaper-Face repeated himself, but was still indecipherable. 

“Pardon me, could you say that one more time?” 

 Diaper-Face gave his super-villain boast in heavily muffled Chinese again, but, of course, to no avail.

“Well, I still don’t know what you’re talking about, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It is my duty to defeat you and that is exactly what I am going to do.” 

 Reaction Man pointed at Diaper-Face and used his power to turn the clock back. The super-adhesive holding the diaper onto Diaper-Face’s face dissolved and the diaper fell to the ground. 

“My diaper! My beautiful diaper!” Diaper-Face screamed, this time in English. 

“Finally you said something that makes sense”, Reaction Man said, “although I beg to differ. That diaper was as ugly as sin.” 

“You don’t understand. All the power that Lucy gave me was contained in that diaper. Without it, the spell will be broken.” 

 Diaper-Face lunged for the diaper, but Reaction Man was faster. He grabbed the horrid thing and threw it into an incinerator that for some odd but convenient reason was located there on the balcony. As the diaper hit the flame, it burst into a cloud of brimstone. 

 All around the world, people woke up from the paranoia that the mind virus had induced, realized how foolish they all looked wearing diapers on their faces, threw them in the garbage in disgust, and resumed living their lives, no longer bound by fear of the Viral Bogeyman.

(1) Lucy the gender-confused devil and Justice Bob Baddecision first appear in Lucy’s Day in Court. Don Alfredo Fettucine first appears in Justice for Minnie? 

(2) See The Witches’ Sabbat and Brother Moonpie and the Devil’s Apocalypse. 

(3) See The Adventures of Reaction Man: Episode II – Reaction Man Versus the Marxist Zombie Army (4) Bishops John Keble Waterland and Barty Battyblabber first appear in Bishop Bartholomew B. Battyblabber and His Big Bad Bash. 

(5) As told in The Adventures of Reaction Man: Episode I – The Origin.

The Folly of Disarmament

This essay is a year old. I posted it to my Facebook profile and e-mailed it to a mailing list of select friends on July 8, 2009. In reposting it here today, I have opted to leave it as written. This should be kept in mind when encountering time-sensitive references in the third and eleventh paragraphs (not including block quotes). - Gerry T. Neal

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The Folly of Disarmament

by Gerry T. Neal

July 8, 2009

The devil’s right hand, the devil’s right hand,
Mama said the pistol is the devil’s right hand. – Steve Earle

When the Cambrian measures were forming,
They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons,
that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed They sold us
and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said:
"Stick to the Devil you know."
- Rudyard Kipling

Disarmament is the idea that violence can be averted and peace obtained by getting rid of the tools of violence, i.e., weapons. Historically, disarmament has taken two basic forms. The first is when a society as a whole abandons its defensive measures in the face of a foreign threat. The reasoning behind this kind of disarmament, is that well maintained defenses and a strong military will be interpreted by other countries as a threat, leading those countries to attack first as a pre-emptive measure. Therefore, abandoning these things is a sign of good faith to your potential enemy, showing that you mean no harm. This, the proponents of disarmament argue, will avert an attack and lead to peace.

This theory is logical in the sense of being internally consistent. It is invalidated by history and common sense, though, and nobody with even a miniscule understanding of human nature would be fooled by this argument for one second.

Recently, Hollywood brought Alan Moore’s 1986-87 comic book series The Watchmen back from the obscurity it deserved. The comic book was a not-so-subtle attack on the military build-up policies of the Reagan and Thatcher administrations. Ironically, the plot of The Watchmen undermines the very point Moore was trying to make. The end of the arms race and the dawn of world peace is brought about, not by either side unilaterally disarming, but by both sides being faced with the threat of their own destruction from another source.

Of course, in real life, it was the very policies Moore was attacking that brought about the end of the Cold War and the collapse of the Soviet Union – and not very long after his comic book was released. Reagan was able to successfully negotiate an end to the arms race precisely because he was not afraid to win the arms race.

The second form of disarmament is when a government disarms its populace. What is commonly called “gun control” today is a version of this form of disarmament. The official reasoning behind this kind of disarmament is that it will reduce crime, increase public safety, and ensure a stable order to society. The real reasons are not always that benign and these disarmament measures simply cannot be shown to have the beneficial effects their advocates claim for them.

Disarmament is nothing new. After Athens surrendered to Sparta at the end of the Peloponnesian War (431-404 BC), Athens temporarily abandoned democracy and established an oligarchy of 30 men, known to historians as “The Thirty Tyrants”. Under the leadership of Critias, uncle of the philosopher Plato, the Thirty began to purge Athens of people opposed to their rule. When one of their number, Theramenes, opposed the unnecessary bloodshed, the Thirty, fearing that he might lead a popular uprising against them, chose 3000 citizens loyal to themselves to nominally bring into the government to provide the illusion of a broader power base, then proceeded to disarm everybody else. Xenophon describes it like this:

The Three Thousand paraded in the market place and the other citizens in various other parts of the city. The order was given to pile arms, and when the men were off duty, the Thirty sent their Spartan troops and other people who were on their side, seized the arms of all who were not included among the Three Thousand, carried them up to the Acropolis and stored them in the temple. Once this was done they considered that they were now free to act exactly as they liked, and they began to put people to death in great numbers, some because they were personal enemies, some for the sake of their money. (Hellenica, Book III, Chapter II, 20-21, translated by Rex Warner in the Penguin Classics edition A History of My Times, pp. 113-114)

Disarming the populace, then, from very early times, has been associated with tyranny – government free from constraints in its use or abuse of power. This is as true today as it was 2413 years ago.

The advocates of gun control say that people should not resist criminals, that that only escalates the violence and leads to innocent people getting hurt, that instead we should rely upon the police to protect us. That kind of thinking is fit for slaves not for free people.

Free people bear the primary responsibility themselves for the defense and protection of their persons, property, and families. This responsibility cannot be delegated without giving up your freedom. If you give up this freedom to the government, you will not be getting a superior form of security in return, but an inferior one. It is not the job of the police, in a free society, to be everywhere at once, watching over every citizen 24 hours of the day, seven days a week. If that were the job of the police, the society would not be very free.

In Canada, advocates of gun control tend to dismiss the ideas of their opponents as being “American”. Canada, however, is heir to the same British tradition as the United States, and the British tradition is a tradition of liberty. As the late Dr. Samuel T. Francis pointed out:

(T)he right to keep and bear arms emerged in British history, long before the American war for independence, as an essential attributed of freemen, and it was mainly from the British experience in the late 17th and 18th centuries that American republicans drew their immediate lessons about a citizens’ militia and what it meant for the preservation of political freedom. (“Historical Basis for the Second Amendment”, in Shots Fired: Sam Francis on America’s Culture War, p. 182)

Recently, gun control has been in the news again. The Harper government, in its first year in office, gave an amnesty to gun owners who had failed to register their guns under the costly, ineffective, and frankly tyrannical long gun registry, introduced by the Liberal administration of Jean Chretien in 1995, and has recently extended that amnesty. A few months ago, the Harper administration introduced a bill into the Senate, calling for the abolition of the same registry. Earlier in February, a similar but more extensive private member’s bill, Bill C-301, had been introduced by Garry Breitkreuz, Conservative MP for Yorkton-Melville, Saskatchewan.

Predictably, the advocates of gun control have been up in arms about this (pun intended). They are maintaining that the Harper administration’s actions are placing police officers at risk and threatening public safety.

Nonsense. The gun registry has not made Canadians any safer, it has wasted billions of the taxpayers dollars, and was a blatant attack on rural Canadians, turning an entire class of decent Canadian citizens into criminals overnight.

The Liberals claim that a majority of Canadians support gun control. That may very well be true, although the Liberals have never cared much what “the majority of Canadians” thought whenever they were determined to push legislation to serve some agenda of theirs that most Canadians opposed.

It is not relevant what the majority think, however. Gun control is inherently tyrannical. Free people have the right, responsibility, and duty to protect themselves when attacked. With that right, responsibility, and duty, comes the right to arm themselves. The two cannot be separated. The government that tells you that you do not have the right to arm yourself is telling you that you are not free. That government is behaving tyrannically – even if it has the backing of a majority of its citizens.

If Harper’s policies deserve criticism it is because they do not go far enough in restoring to Canadians that which is their birthright as a free people in a country built on the British tradition of freedom.